Of Saints and Shadows

Something changed It stayed the same You're here before me Awkward, beautiful Time dies--shifting Taking with it what was most important What it most wants You stand before me Naked in your vulnerability ask me You make the decision for both of us I've never seen you nervous Not quite yourself--as before

Time is moving In cyclical fashion Bending Twisting Spiralling upward Toward the ends And repeating mistakes We repeat the same mistakes Can we ever learn

It just is The difference between Never quite knowing And knowing a little too Intimately It's control Too much and not enough Need and want We're grasping at straws

Pose the question A familiar dynamic Common place territory Knowing the ins and outs Of every hidden passage Enter through the same door Here is something new Soft laughter ringing in this empty space Your nervousness dissipates Replaced with purpose Flooding in Control is overrated Sitting on the line Between chaos and danger Which is the lesser evil What once was safe Left forgotten at the door

There are pieces of you Tightly wrapped in coarse cotton Carried away under my arm Sacrificed to pay the cost to satisfy your fix I take them Without reserve Guilt is useless Impractical But you feel something, like it The consequence of the deed done Do you see a change?

Sacrifice The parts of you that matter most Now everything else To fit better with the demands of this world Think you know what we want But this isn't what I desire So where does this leave you Not who you were You can't say who you are It doesn't leave much room What's left isn't too valuable How much is left anyway?

This is the rest of my life Blank before me Unknown I'm only nervous Without you Without our talks I'd be scared Life has a way of getting Away from you Slipping past If you don't move But tomorrow will be ok Even in all its disappointment Right now I'm just trying to function Risk was the greatest challenge

Maybe if I knew the truth If I knew what was wrong I could tell you something Maybe then you would know What to do And the right words would just be Falling past your lips Transcendent, almost For now I'll leave you We're guessing in the dark And walking on eggshells That wasn't my intention We just can't hope for more

How are you What's new these days The questions we ask ourselves The words fall off quick tongues Have you asked yourself lately What's behind them Meaning In simple words When was the last time You gave thought to the answers Thought slowly Told me something true And brutally honest

You said all things would pass In phase But as the days get longer Night weakens And the universe overhead lightens Feel the nail peel away The rip of tender flesh Carrying life with it—across sun bronzed skin Peel the pain away Tomorrow comes anew With it, the desire to continue Refresh Sometimes it’s that simple Opening my eyes to the possibilities Beyond today I need your help Let me take your hand Walk with me down the parallel streets Of our grey and dusty world

It runs down the curve of heated flesh Gazing outward With our masks We shelter lives We hide the truths—lies Tied me down with your social constraints Leave me where you might And trust I will follow your direction Coercion, I say No dream of mine could ever fit your plan The focus is too narrow

Turning, turning, turning The road runs away, escapism And reality is leaving you breathless The corridors of this maze Stretching beyond the imagined Run the circles, paths of twisting ribbon and painted lines You discover limbo Quiet and peaceful Airless Think faster; Struggle is your only action While some secrets must die with you Tonight I will leave Waiting isn’t the only option It wasn’t even the first Survival—always on my mind. Lie buried beneath stone Feeding the worms and carrion The lush cool grass beneath bare feet My link to a past life

Remember the times we shared Days so near That pass Collect and pool in the palm of my hand This is who I am today My secrets, I hold close I can’t think to tomorrow There is no future A non-existent fantasy A cost I am unwilling to pay Stay with me Shed the masks There are lies we both tell Our unsung stories Tomorrow I may see something new But where should we go today?

It’s night. The best kind of night you can image. The sky is so clear that were I any other place than the city, the moon and stars would shine like incandescent bulbs against the velvet sky. But as it was they glowed dimly, if at all, above the overpowering blaze of city lights. To me it seemed as if the streetlights and sporadic dappling of apartment and office lights still on were nothing more than beacons in the dark left on by a child still afraid of the dark and monsters hiding under the bed. It was quiet. As it should be at 4am—when the entire world is asleep in bed. This was my favorite time of night, when I move silently about the apartment and got to watch the world sleep from my very window. But not just the world either. In just a pair of boxers, I shuffled quietly away from the bank of windows that stretched to cover an amazing portion of the living room wall. The hardwood was cool and pleasant against the underside of my feet as I walked the expanse of the room and down t

Change. I wouldn’t want to change you. I wouldn’t have the energy to work at something so constant, so all consuming. It would drain me faster than you would think possible. If I did change you, if I did have the strength to keep that change alive in you—I wouldn’t love you. Couldn’t. You would no longer be the person I fell in love with. And I wouldn’t be able to love this new person—this creature—that was capable of folding so easily under my will. You would for this reason no longer be seen as something equal to or greater than me. But as nothing. You would be ordinary, just another in a population of mindless, leaderless drones—unworthy. And I would leave, never to return, before the breaking of dawn at the new day.

With you I discovered there was something still alive within me. Something so tiny and so fragile, but so full of life. You reached for it, touched it, igniting its existence into a blazing ember. It became so much more than life. Now, maybe if I keep going back to you enough times I might be able to kill what’s left of it. Until there’s nothing but a cold and flowing numbness.

The cold frost stepped on your toes today Soft breath comes like morning fog Crystallizing on the water Pink skin and warm flesh Your body contorts into designs of the random And I touch you like never before Only never again Your half-naked flesh A metaphor Of only what’s to come Sweat pools at my back I wonder Does freedom translate to happiness? I’m happy here I think Maybe tomorrow I’ll know the answers I wasn’t supposed to know today Yesterday I knew a little less Tomorrow I will remember what I thought I knew

Knowing what it is to burn I step into the flames Glowing hot Tight against my flesh Their tongues lick lines of ash Unintelligible patterns Creating Destroying I step farther into the flames Waiting to burn

Force yourself to move One foot in front of the other Don’t stop We know what’s waiting for you It lurks Violence in the darkness You’re a million miles away And so close to me Move in slow motion Delayed reactions We know how you digress Find your own way out of this mess Force yourself to love Force yourself to let go Bite through the pain with razor wire The sweet scent of copper will be with you in the morning

What’s your secret today? Tell me something true and painful, something I’ll really hate You know what I need to hear Some things we need to remember Some days we just need to forget If I don’t say this now Tomorrow may be too late Time moves In uncomprehending ways Some things we need to remember Some days we just need to forget You can’t buy our love

You are yesterday Pushed down deep into our soul Seek shelter in the dark recesses Light and comforting, you are safe Catastrophe and chaos are your siblings We are today Don’t cry for what can’t be lost Remember the golden crest of the rising sun on summer mornings Coyotes stand at your door and wait Together the world shall come together Tomorrow I will be me My mother tells me so