Of Saints and Shadows

I always knew life would turn out like this. Don’t ask me how I knew, I just knew. Last night as we sat together out on the porch in our white plastic chairs and surrounded by the drone of a million insects, hidden away from them by the enveloping darkness, I thought maybe he had known all along too. The silence between us has never been strained, never forced. It moved around us with a fluidity neither of us had known before, we were grateful for it. The pause between each sentence was a long, drawn out affair, but still, we always came back to the right place. Having talked with others who had watched us in these semi-private moments, I’ve been told we seem to intuitively know what the other continues to think long after they stop talking. I don’t think that’s true at all. I know for a fact that there are endless examples of when neither of us has even come close to understanding the other. But left on our own this is how we are, and how we’ve come to communicate with each other. In

I can do anything A force of nature Control is over-rated Power a drug It drives It pushes Hear it calling Just reach out and touch it Grab for life This will leave you the most vulnerable and fragile Come away with your head up What more can you really do?

Her eyes. That was his only immediate and overwhelming thought before he allowed himself the torture of blinking. A torture because he honestly believed that to be blind to those eyes, even for the second the action would require, would grant the necessary permission to see that focus disappear. Her eyes held the most profound intelligence, both cold and violent, he had ever witnessed in another human being. And though there had to be close to a hundred pulsing, heavy breathing bodies crammed into the medium sized room it was not hard to make out her form. Her movements neither lazy nor quick, he saw she still moved with a confidence that appeared calculated—purposeful in each bodily movement. Skillfully moving past the bodies and navigating the evenly dispersed stair rises, no movement was wasted. To him it was as if he were watching a rehearsed play. And still he thought, not a single movement was repeatable. As if she could hear these thoughts and was driven by his curiosity of her,

Questioning myself in the dark Here we learn Soft whisper and your harsh touch If only here we know the truth Do I see you as someone else? Wish you would be someone else? Can you be this for me? This stranger I hold close Fading faster because they’re not here And still You’re here with me Don’t forget To ask, stay with me Take me with you Where you might go Will you still be two people Can I be one Wishing you were another Even through happiness Abrasions upon our tender flesh Sadness runs like an undercurrent

There was something I wanted to show you today But you had turned me away You turned around Walked steadily faster When are you going to start running? It was bound to happen Like a cosmic clash Turning the corner We disappear into the night Moving forward and back Back and forth you crawl Can you hear me call out? My voice harsh with tears and violence Let me touch your soft skin Taste the sweet tang of sweat on flesh You run backwards Shouting out your beautiful poetry And still I hear you say I may still be the strongest one of all You are the strangest one I know

I need to ask The questions multiplying There are too many now Where do we start? Which pain will bleed the least Which nerve should we dig at, fill in Covered over with fresh, sweet smelling plaster Bring the pain And make it bleed like waters in spring Please, can we just talk So, I lied We lied To me, to each other, to you But I was willing to go on Put myself on the line Sold all I had, all that I was It had nothing to do with the logical

How can I still be here Waiting for you So many things have been said—done And what’s left is the space In between It’s larger than you think But how can you learn to let go Jump, jump The risk drives you Together we will go farther Beyond the lights and lines Everything set before us Our time is up You say, decide now—must I? Tell me Just one truth Even if the lie come easiest

It’s harder than you think to stay here Too comfortable Too semi-permanent Too predictable We wanted the risk To walk a thin white line Craved freedom Intensity Converging on separate paths When did the night fade to gray day? We know the time will never be right Pray harder, faster To a god you knew existed In your soul Faster than we think It’s catching

I know I will end up hurting more than just myself Is that really true Could I ever hurt you? Is this your nightmare? Am I really this selfish? Hold me Dreams aren’t safe for me anymore How about you? Keep your eyes open Why is this so hard? Only I could make this so complicated Ask yourself, what do you want And I will keep myself off of the ground