Of Saints and Shadows

Recently, I had begun to wonder if one day I would just stop sleeping altogether. My nights, actually spent sleeping, were getting shorter all the time. But that thought wasn’t for now, it would have to wait for later, if that particular later ever came. *** The quiet unlit downtown street, of the small northern town I found myself in, on this particular night, helped me to think clearly and organize my thoughts. I think it had something to do with the fact that there were so few cars around, and even fewer people—especially at this hour of the night. There was nothing and no one to intrude upon my broken soul and disjointed thoughts. There was a darkness in my soul, like an oil spill, which threatened to overtake my existence on a daily basis. Who was I? What was I? What was I supposed to be doing in this life? Was I waiting for something—someone? What was I to do for an eternity alone? The threat of that darkness over hung my every moment, and with each passing year it was getting da

Crawling under my skin Only to seep deep into my bones My blood alive with activity On fire like the passion of your heart It can’t be helped There is nothing for it It tickles my nerves Keeps me on edge Always I need to get away Can’t you feel it In the air All around us We need to get away My nerves spark like lightning strikes Continuous Dangerous An itch under the flesh If only it could be scratched Will you notice when the time comes When I’m gone And you’re here Left all alone Maybe you will But you won't This fire burns Scorching everything in its path I’m in its path There is no help for it You feel it too Boredom

Don’t think you can put me away Hide me At the back of your closet Like a dirty little secret Don’t hide me From the world Like you’re ashamed I’m not the black mark In your perfect little world All I am Is for you And not to be bought and sold No one will notice if I leave tonight Will you notice if I don’t come back Sorry but I have to leave now This is one thing you can’t fix I don’t fit well Into the organized little box You call your life Don’t try to fix it You can’t change this I’m gone There is no going back No coming home Not for me and you

You'll remain mine A dirty little secret I won't tell a soul It's the only way I can keep you My lips are sealed

This is my favorite part This you and me Beautiful awkward silent Do you think we can keep this up How long You'll get frustrated with me It's hard to realize I've read this part before Let me tell you how it goes All I do is push away I told the truth Prove me wrong Ask me the questions You don't know Can't realize Push Back away This was my favorite part This you and me Awkward silent Beautiful

Your lies Running from your mouth Like the tears Running from my eyes No courage You are just the same I've heard your excuses before Should it matter They were spoken from someone else's lips It happens again Just like you promised it wouldn't There's nothing For me to take from you You've hidden it all Taken away the light Now I'm at home in the darkness And you don't see me Did you ever? Maybe if I stay here I can avoid Those awkward last words I will never come to hear you Speak

So far apart Only this faded white line divides And carries the distance You touch my skin and think I feel But what's broken Can never be the same You try to piece me together Every attempt Just another failure I can never do right So often and the pieces just don't fit Not anymore Integrity was what killed me Now your lies and half truths keep me here It's all I can do to keep from living Watching as you take the only pieces I have left Feed off your damage You haven't left much for me As I travel over this white line What's left There can't be much Even as everything Hits me

Broken I couldn't hide Not from you Masked you knew the truth Why did you stay You just couldn't let me be I can't help but ask this Run and hide I screamed You calmed No one was supposed to know And you found out You made me love you How did you do that? It was then things began to change Everything was bright Everything was good Your arms So warm around me You give me hope Promise Don't take that away From me, my heart Please Promise

Swiftly moving through the sky Dark blots of opalescent blue Fall like tears They won’t come Can’t be forced out Not now Not anymore For the time of tears has past Gone with the infinite hope Of a world holding rose colored glasses It was hope that saved us But hope that drowned us in the end Full of good intent To say I am here holds infinite measure To be defined as one sees fit But I am not here Not in a place that holds any pretense Of rosy-ness

You whisper a lullaby In order to calm But that was never the point You can’t take away the damage No rose colored glasses here This world is only black and white Though some may try To make you believe Make believe The crack running through your soul Only allows the darkness in A filter for all the pain and torment You endure Can you tell me how it feels? I can’t tell anymore Not since this silence Overtook Do you know what it’s like on the inside? I couldn’t say I’ve always been on the outside Now I’ve come to find comfort In the darkness At least there nothing hurts Nothing cuts

Darkness blooms on the horizon You can’t tell me anything Anymore And expect me to believe Alone It’s what I’ve always known You can’t change that I wasn’t meant for this Sadness envelopes me It’s a cold embrace You can’t change that And apparently neither could I

You told me In love and death But something wasn’t right Little white lies Cut deeper than you think Bleed red Darkness Runs like a river from your scars And paints your world with hurt I don’t deserve this It’s not something I can handle You tell me Endure

Your so cold But a warmth against my skin The only place I have known Comfort and safety Here I seek your embrace In the coldness and ambiguity Of the darkness You keep me safe And loved But you love everyone Just the same Your cold hand of death I feel as the warm hand of a lover A lover you have been And soon I will leave with you In the pale morning light When the dark fades Darkness will envelope

You left with dignity and fortitude But came back On hands and knees With tear stained eyes You hung your head And took it all All, because it was all you You could hope for I took everything You gave up everything you had And still you try Giving up more than you have Just to make it right You can't make it right I take it all Take it all in Hide it from the light And watch the slow death It proceeds You dug your hole And still you dig Deeper even still How to get out from here You don't even bother to think

Well, this would be the start of another wonderful space for the posting of my inane, if somewhat sporadic thoughts. Mostly I think this space will be used to post my random, and sometimes, far between works of writing. I am by no means a professional writer but I'd like somewhere to post my stuff rather than leave it to sit on my computer. And maybe a little bit of constructive criticism.