Of Saints and Shadows

You ask me 'what do you want?' I turn into your body--warm and all I can think to ask is this favor Come over. Stay. Lie down next to me. You can't see underneath the words And it's what I want, of that I'm sure Today--anyway Save me I don't ask for it Instead I lie in darkness, waiting Listening to life outside my window

Stand toe to toe Ready to fight for the things we are He knows why she's here Thinks he understands Open wide Take what you can The hits are coming faster Don't stop till they're at your feet She watches him pace the room Thoughts flashing behind his eyes Memories, but not of her And she thinks He'll finally give her what she needs

Oh these winter nights With their firefly skies Lying beside you I breathe in the waiting sun And the weathered willows Found deep in the valley We silently watch Dancing in our northern winds Visions of summer kissed days Fuel the blazing and charred cedar The sweet scent of wood Mingling with the scent of your skin I breathe deeply Your arms weave around my shoulders Caressing rose tipped flesh Drawing designs As if you were chasing warm currents through the trees Oh these winter nights With their firefly skies We sleep in the arms of lovers Under the watching eyes of the old oaks

This time when you call out I’ll have an answer Something more to tell you Dreams disappear and still you cry out The taste of flesh This time Like every time before And for all time She licks a line across the valley of your shoulders Tracing the contours of your body Memorizing the pathway back This will always be Where we should be In returning to all things, we are Natural This time we will look past What is said To everything unspoken

Yesterday I looked out across this foreign city Faces that hint at recognition And names that demand recollection But it’s not what I see Wishing instead, for the place I once called home Long ago and half a millennium away I remember your dark eyes Looking into my soul Watch it spark And reading my best kept secrets I remember the touch Your body against mine The memory its own warmth against my heart Long ago and half a millennium away Tomorrow I will make it back to you Escape the towering walls of this city For soft earth and warm waters Maybe then we can be in the same place for once

I will not embarrass myself Why did I feel I had to ask You were not the one to pose the questions Never take action We’d been afraid to leave Now the wind takes us where it wills Drift on currents We travel great and unknown distances Will we ever stop to wonder I know this is how it’s going to go The words spoken As they are framed in my mind You want from me And I give freely Because I want But I wonder at the end of all When was I supposed to take

He wants to scream and cry and hit Until he can feel what he has lost, Finally touch that memory that is just beyond his reach It’s been that way since you went away Stars disappear From the corner of your eyes To the places where you’re from And to all the places you said you’d go But don’t dare She wishes she could scream and shout and cry Knowing what she gave away, threw away But she doesn’t think back to yesterday, puts it just out of reach It’s been that way since she walked away Stars disappear From the corner of your eyes To the places where you’re from And to all the places you said you’d go But don’t dare Fast forward through the days You do what you need to, want to Holding onto dreams of me to make it through It’s been that way since you woke up today

We would like to leave this place Keep moving until something fits Leave behind everything The familiar And wait for the morning When everything is revealed Known We will still be here Holding on by our fingertips Swinging back with indecision We will still be here And I will tell you, here can be Anywhere you want it to be

You don’t even seem to have a plan You might see the cracks How broken some of us can be The weakness of a foundation we hold together by strings But I don’t believe you see the haunting beauty Lyrical phrases and rhythmic revelations to be Read between the lines It would be closer to a step in the right direction

Is it over yet A child hiding in bed, covers pulled high Protected from the monsters That would live in the closet Too high a price we pay But consumerism has taught us well Overlook our needs A greater picture All for the unfulfilling desires of the present Relent, and wish for more Turn on the lights Monsters will disappear Faster than you think Chased under the bed The nightmares, not so easily Only to come out tomorrow Oh, but I forgot to mention So too, would the dreams

Morally ambiguous My decisions are fully formed But they leave you guessing You ask, today How much longer must this go on Tired and beaten down You pray to salvation A god who can’t be bothered, trivial you say While selling your soul to the highest bidder The price of a better tomorrow For the chance to change what can’t be broken Servitude is life Fully dealt and unrelenting Sell more than just your soul This is the cost to live Your capitalist empires grow A sandstone city Muddied by torrential downpour And I say globalize this.

His beautiful eyes Glowing with sharp intelligence A cutting blade on flesh The evidence of lines Never quite disappearing Look beyond your narrow vision Shield irises from blinding illumination You leave these marks Forever changing the landscape Of human fabric Destiny we call it Name it what you will Devastation we say

This is quite the dilemma I’ve found myself in Back and forth simultaneously Is it really possible This, I can see, will rip me in two I dreamed of you Last night Often dreamt in color Beautiful words in action But they aren’t beautiful dreams There won’t be anymore dreams A dangerous game we played Fire—gives life/passion I came so close to getting warm Never burned—I live in flame But I still feel nothing No guilt, sadness Just numb and my erratic flying thoughts

What were you thinking this morning How much damage do you want to inflict It would’ve been better for us Had you taken the time Meaning is lost You only hear the words Lyrical And beautiful But between the lines meaning is monstrous And truth a hard mistress to bear What I wasn’t prepared for was finality, was honesty I know you will never tell me you’re sorry We both just accept

Needs must, when the devil drives, wait Desire has always lived on the edge Hoping for a little dream of me And prayer is wasted, get down on your knees darling The universe knows someone is missing And slowly, it attempts to replace them See the sun set in the hand of man Where are the twins? Where are agony and ecstasy? Why do they fear the sunless lands of my father?

I’m telling myself the words Rehearsing the play in my mind Everything as it should be I’m just missing the other characters A one-man show The curtain calls Lines stick in my throat And nothing Goes according to plan Everything as it should be Not exactly as I need it to be

Hear the things that I am saying Purposely give your view While ignoring diplomatic missions A skirmish in the works Try negotiating the peace between us Treacherous waters Patience, waiting for what lies below the dark waters Barricade yourself against the tidal Insignificant Resolve splinters before me And you’ll flee only with your regrets Troubled arguments

What we are as children is rarely what we become as adults. - And what are children, that we are not? Courageous.Straight-forward.Observant. - Ah, so simple. So true. Adults only hold to the most useless and damaging emotions they can muster.

Lose everything you are To the night In flames buring white hot Told you my deepest secret no answer Was ever enough Or even possible Never have I felt so cold Faltering It fades with you As the corner turns, This road isn't so straight Leading to sights unknown I'll walk it anyway Thinking of you beside me

Only here above the world Can everything be forgotten Changed Stay, one more day So we might turn back the hand of time Overnight We make our wishes Shout them out And hope they're heard Tomorrow I will continue With these mistakes Watch as they make me weak Bringing me to my knees

Something changed It stayed the same You're here before me Awkward, beautiful Time dies--shifting Taking with it what was most important What it most wants You stand before me Naked in your vulnerability ask me You make the decision for both of us I've never seen you nervous Not quite yourself--as before

Time is moving In cyclical fashion Bending Twisting Spiralling upward Toward the ends And repeating mistakes We repeat the same mistakes Can we ever learn

It just is The difference between Never quite knowing And knowing a little too Intimately It's control Too much and not enough Need and want We're grasping at straws

Pose the question A familiar dynamic Common place territory Knowing the ins and outs Of every hidden passage Enter through the same door Here is something new Soft laughter ringing in this empty space Your nervousness dissipates Replaced with purpose Flooding in Control is overrated Sitting on the line Between chaos and danger Which is the lesser evil What once was safe Left forgotten at the door

There are pieces of you Tightly wrapped in coarse cotton Carried away under my arm Sacrificed to pay the cost to satisfy your fix I take them Without reserve Guilt is useless Impractical But you feel something, like it The consequence of the deed done Do you see a change?

Sacrifice The parts of you that matter most Now everything else To fit better with the demands of this world Think you know what we want But this isn't what I desire So where does this leave you Not who you were You can't say who you are It doesn't leave much room What's left isn't too valuable How much is left anyway?

This is the rest of my life Blank before me Unknown I'm only nervous Without you Without our talks I'd be scared Life has a way of getting Away from you Slipping past If you don't move But tomorrow will be ok Even in all its disappointment Right now I'm just trying to function Risk was the greatest challenge

Maybe if I knew the truth If I knew what was wrong I could tell you something Maybe then you would know What to do And the right words would just be Falling past your lips Transcendent, almost For now I'll leave you We're guessing in the dark And walking on eggshells That wasn't my intention We just can't hope for more

How are you What's new these days The questions we ask ourselves The words fall off quick tongues Have you asked yourself lately What's behind them Meaning In simple words When was the last time You gave thought to the answers Thought slowly Told me something true And brutally honest

You said all things would pass In phase But as the days get longer Night weakens And the universe overhead lightens Feel the nail peel away The rip of tender flesh Carrying life with it—across sun bronzed skin Peel the pain away Tomorrow comes anew With it, the desire to continue Refresh Sometimes it’s that simple Opening my eyes to the possibilities Beyond today I need your help Let me take your hand Walk with me down the parallel streets Of our grey and dusty world

It runs down the curve of heated flesh Gazing outward With our masks We shelter lives We hide the truths—lies Tied me down with your social constraints Leave me where you might And trust I will follow your direction Coercion, I say No dream of mine could ever fit your plan The focus is too narrow

Turning, turning, turning The road runs away, escapism And reality is leaving you breathless The corridors of this maze Stretching beyond the imagined Run the circles, paths of twisting ribbon and painted lines You discover limbo Quiet and peaceful Airless Think faster; Struggle is your only action While some secrets must die with you Tonight I will leave Waiting isn’t the only option It wasn’t even the first Survival—always on my mind. Lie buried beneath stone Feeding the worms and carrion The lush cool grass beneath bare feet My link to a past life

Remember the times we shared Days so near That pass Collect and pool in the palm of my hand This is who I am today My secrets, I hold close I can’t think to tomorrow There is no future A non-existent fantasy A cost I am unwilling to pay Stay with me Shed the masks There are lies we both tell Our unsung stories Tomorrow I may see something new But where should we go today?

It’s night. The best kind of night you can image. The sky is so clear that were I any other place than the city, the moon and stars would shine like incandescent bulbs against the velvet sky. But as it was they glowed dimly, if at all, above the overpowering blaze of city lights. To me it seemed as if the streetlights and sporadic dappling of apartment and office lights still on were nothing more than beacons in the dark left on by a child still afraid of the dark and monsters hiding under the bed. It was quiet. As it should be at 4am—when the entire world is asleep in bed. This was my favorite time of night, when I move silently about the apartment and got to watch the world sleep from my very window. But not just the world either. In just a pair of boxers, I shuffled quietly away from the bank of windows that stretched to cover an amazing portion of the living room wall. The hardwood was cool and pleasant against the underside of my feet as I walked the expanse of the room and down t

Change. I wouldn’t want to change you. I wouldn’t have the energy to work at something so constant, so all consuming. It would drain me faster than you would think possible. If I did change you, if I did have the strength to keep that change alive in you—I wouldn’t love you. Couldn’t. You would no longer be the person I fell in love with. And I wouldn’t be able to love this new person—this creature—that was capable of folding so easily under my will. You would for this reason no longer be seen as something equal to or greater than me. But as nothing. You would be ordinary, just another in a population of mindless, leaderless drones—unworthy. And I would leave, never to return, before the breaking of dawn at the new day.

With you I discovered there was something still alive within me. Something so tiny and so fragile, but so full of life. You reached for it, touched it, igniting its existence into a blazing ember. It became so much more than life. Now, maybe if I keep going back to you enough times I might be able to kill what’s left of it. Until there’s nothing but a cold and flowing numbness.

The cold frost stepped on your toes today Soft breath comes like morning fog Crystallizing on the water Pink skin and warm flesh Your body contorts into designs of the random And I touch you like never before Only never again Your half-naked flesh A metaphor Of only what’s to come Sweat pools at my back I wonder Does freedom translate to happiness? I’m happy here I think Maybe tomorrow I’ll know the answers I wasn’t supposed to know today Yesterday I knew a little less Tomorrow I will remember what I thought I knew

Knowing what it is to burn I step into the flames Glowing hot Tight against my flesh Their tongues lick lines of ash Unintelligible patterns Creating Destroying I step farther into the flames Waiting to burn

Force yourself to move One foot in front of the other Don’t stop We know what’s waiting for you It lurks Violence in the darkness You’re a million miles away And so close to me Move in slow motion Delayed reactions We know how you digress Find your own way out of this mess Force yourself to love Force yourself to let go Bite through the pain with razor wire The sweet scent of copper will be with you in the morning

What’s your secret today? Tell me something true and painful, something I’ll really hate You know what I need to hear Some things we need to remember Some days we just need to forget If I don’t say this now Tomorrow may be too late Time moves In uncomprehending ways Some things we need to remember Some days we just need to forget You can’t buy our love

You are yesterday Pushed down deep into our soul Seek shelter in the dark recesses Light and comforting, you are safe Catastrophe and chaos are your siblings We are today Don’t cry for what can’t be lost Remember the golden crest of the rising sun on summer mornings Coyotes stand at your door and wait Together the world shall come together Tomorrow I will be me My mother tells me so

Lines are drawn in the sand Time falls away faster than we can know This is where we stand At opposite ends of the world Silence covers all Coming on just as night falls Liquid

I went into your dreams last night And there I found you Alone, standing beneath the moonless sky Star-filled and black At the farthest point At the farthest edge And here you were happy It was here I saw you smile first

Your memories are black Fading faster than any of us knew Faces blending into one another My name is not my own Do you remember me at all? Your memories blacken Time spills through your fingers Life is an unorganized mess How old are you? Do you remember your husband? Can you remember your children? Is your memory of me alive or buried beneath the confusion and pain? Your memories are black As if they never were Confusing and frightening We stand behind you Which hurts more, forgetting a child or being forgotten? http://www.alzheimer.ca/english/index.php