Of Saints and Shadows

You go from dream to dream inside me. You have passage to my last shabby corner, and there, among the debris, you've found life. I'm no longer sure which of all the words, images, dreams or ghosts are "yours" and which are "mine." It's past sorting out. We're both being someone new now, someone incredible... (177, Gravity's Rainbow)

Anam Cara is a Gaelic word meaning “soul friend”. It symbolises a spiritual friendship that is not affected by time, distance, or separation. In the old Celtic tradition, the Anam Cara was someone you could share your innermost self, mind and heart. This soul friendship was an act of recognition and belonging helping us return to the heart of our spirit. http://www.anamcara.org/community.htm

Ants march across my skin Burrowing under Sinking deeper Burning This scorched path Nothing lives here Feel the irritation You make me hate you so Words cannot fix this Actions are stronger But not enough between us I need to run Need to breathe Cool air to this flame A prickling of fire ants The burnt path You can’t fix this Don’t try It can only feel worse Escape So close Courage and strength are lacking The steps are misleading I couldn't be farther from you

Dirty like me We please and ache Some give in Crave your languid kiss Exquisite tongue Perfect Almost delicious worship Love Yes

Relax and bite me raw Filled my love hole with frantic pleasure And let your lust empty in a tremendous orgasm

Sit at night In the fever of Agony Scream Satisfy Tremble in your hands Penetrate this willing mound Ecstasy Need Stroke my vagina Slide above And drink my love Laughter can bring back language

Do you feel it? This nervous pulse It sings in your veins Like trapped butterfly wings It makes me sick Dizzy I can't stop This feeling grows Scratches down my back It burrows under flesh to hide in the bone Here it festers Becomes something wicked Its hands at my throat feel hot Squeeze those eyes shut tight Hold your breath You'll come back to us The nervous flutter in your veins will only grow

I've wanted to talk to you for so long Time spreads its wings to feel like an eternity It hasn't been nearly that long I know I have counted the days Hours Yes, I have counted months I wanted to talk with you for so long It has been so long I wish I could forget your face Only it has not been long enough Words are unsure I know what I would say But how to say it? The words are heavy Like hot lead on my tongue They cannot slip past these lips of crimson with ease But drip back down my throat to remain trapped Catch fire It's a burning rash And still they will not be forced out Who would have thought this could be so hard.

I can't remember to forget Can't concentrate Not to forget Memories dredged up with each new action Each new addiction I want the thrill of something new Want it Crave it Something tangible against my skin Burning white hot So much that I remember to forget This moment The next Moving full circle Forget to remember what was once important Remembering those happy moments They are the only one's I keep But try to forget, dear It was important once I remember something similar Lost to me now Fate conspires against the thrashing of man We can't forget I won't allow myself...though I try

If only you had asked what was meant Words can be so ambiguous There was a story here There are so many stories here Where should I start? You should have just asked I would have told you My friend We have no lies No secrets between us I made sure to lay it all out There are no victims here Just release

It all comes speeding forward Reality You thought it would be easy Is everything easy? Delusions It was never meant to be Make your own path Finally I stand here Strong I stand In a good place I won't play your victim Tired of being weak Strong at the center Your demands eat at me And I'm tired I refuse to be the victim here

You look at me Do you see? Reality and fantasy It can’t be both But maybe I could give you a little taste Do you see me? Ambiguous words It’s hard to tell I know Just ask Opportunity slipping through Disappearing just as fast Through the hard pouring rain Fight this It always has to be difficult Complicated Hate it This is the only way I know I will make my own way Slowly make my way back to you The journey is just a bit longer now It’s half the fun

Shadows stretch across the floor We lie here Wrapped up in ourselves Content with you Relaxed and at peace I never thought to feel this again A safety I never thought to hold It was even better than the last And all because this time it's you At my back Content Just lie with me

You don't torture me anymore I hope you know The truth was always known to me Accepted The heart only needed to catch up The flow of love, of happiness Continuous It was there from the beginning It will be there at the very end Even though it doesn't come from you It will always be found again

Do I torture you? You torture me And you're not even here. Shadows upon my face You make me tired A hundred years could never remove the damage Sleep will never give me rest

You watch me I watch you Patience barely concealed We dance like animals Our ballet of dominance Circling around this We won't talk about it now Your teeth are strong My nails are sharp Biting deep It's just flesh and bone Rain falls in crimson drops to streak our bodies It was your words that hurt me Made me bleed Made me weak

Can you feel it? It burns through the body Like swallowing poison Nerve endings aflame You know this is it The end Perhaps it has already begun Were you too busy to notice? This will touch us all in the end Catch us Burn us There is no escape For how can you escape something so pure as rage?

Eyes so old Centuries past have been lived You're barely an adult So sad your face What was so difficult to have broken you? You don't belong here Wise beyond what you project You've seen so much Please Tell me what you know Let me share in this Allow me to help In this burden you carry

It was everything and nothing Still This time I remembered to breath So why did my heart skip a beat? Smile Yes, you remember My smiles The ones meant for you The ones that said you were completely unpredictable In that I found a measure of predictability You coax them from me with such practiced ease It was almost easy to say Time hadn't moved forward Still Perfectly immobile Trapped in those days where the sun warmed our skin Snow flakes beaded to drops of water in our hair Preserved That's how I like to remember my heart

This is what I have to do to hold myself together I lost whole pieces to you once Now I lose everything else You're not worth it Confusion and pain You're not worth bending my heart and soul around

You didn't have to read between any of these lines It was right there Plain to see If you just bothered to look I needed help Asked for it From you Was it too much? You should know better than anyone how proud I am

You think I'm beautiful But am I really? Are they just words to comfort Why won't you touch me? Poisoned skin I know I am capable of wondrous things Beauty and strength Unique to me A kindness and compassion far beyond the many Why do you still not touch me? My poisonous skin

You ask me to come Follow where you may go I come back Again and again I guess it was never enough Could never be enough But I'll hold on to this fantasy You will allow me too

"The Greeks believed that once there were no male and female, that all souls were one. Then the souls were torn apart, male and female. The Greeks thought that when you found the other half of your soul, your soul mate, that it would be your perfect lover. But I think if you find your other half, you would be too much alike to be lovers, but you would still be soul mates." (Extract from Obsidian Butterfly by Laurell K. Hamilton) -- Pg. 158 -- Edward speaking about Anita. As lovers our broken half souls join in union We become what we once were Whole. Together. One. We are as we should be. Together. Apart. Always one. Forever connected. Joined at the tattered edges of our souls. Connected. One needed to make the other whole Both needed to survive Head and heart. The soul will survive on. Forever

I use to wonder if this would be enough Your love and unspoken words Time passes quickly Light fades The day faded I answered your call But could never stay here with you Letting your words wash over me What is regret? I guess it was never enough Could never be enough

I cry for you But I can't let you see Once again I must be strong Must be whole to support you I'm in pieces inside Beautiful, fragmented pieces To keep you whole, strong They don't cut you as sharply as they once did me I don't know what to do anymore Did I ever? This facade is well known I feel old And a thousand years pass across my face

I don't know what to say I don't know what to do Not anymore My mind speeds forward With all its implications But what does it all mean? I can't think I'm so cold Where is my friend when I need comfort? Your protective arms

Sacrifice You sacrificed Gave up everything in the face of all others Abandoned life Just so you could make this your own You gave everything And in return? Nothing Your tears drown me Your voice strangles Someone so strong brought down so far How do I deal? How do I comfort? The more important question How do you survive?

Restless An obscure feeling But it burns through me like flame My nerves alight with this passion I don't want to feel this Trapped here There is no way to leave Not today I have to wait until I can go with you

Faded light I still see the truth The pain The hurt Cry Everything left behind will remain This is the way it is You words Your actions Everything cuts so deep Laugh I wouldn't let you see No satisfaction for you No kindest from you These tears leave scars Just like these angry wounds They cover my body just the same Scream

Silence There is arrogance in this Nothing better Nothing to say Why assume there is more There are no words Tell me what you think What you really think Holding it all in This isn't good Just because Not to hear myself speak There was nothing to say What would there be? What could I say? Just talk To hear yourself speak There is arrogance in this too Are we better?

The morning was ugly Midnight beautiful Secrets whispered in the dark Nervous laughter You can't sleep and you can't wake up Why did you share these nightmares? Your nightmares It was only when you asked the simple questions I cared where you were going Where did you end up? Shadows stretch long upon the floor Pulled taller upon the wall I can't remember everything you said All the things you told me I remember you held me Those whispered words Restrained me Your smile set me free Your eyes brought me back I will stay until you feel more like yourself Don't get down my darling

Nervous It's like a disease Something palatable Built only around you My throat closes And everything anyone ever said about butterflies is true A hand closes around my neck And then you're here Peace

At the furthest edge of the world There lies my soul Warm and safe Wrapped up in your embrace You hold to it tight I couldn't ask you for more This is all I've wanted Keep it safe Keep it loved Until that day I can find my way back Home To you

Where to run When there's no place left to run No room to hide And no excuses can be made Who do you run to When there's no one left And if there was How would I even get there

Forgiveness From me comes so easily You've come to expect it But now you wait You don't know why I made my bed, now I sleep You don't understand You wait for forgiveness Ask why it isn't forthcoming I tell you You ask for the impossible I can't do what you ask You didn't give me what I need You couldn't I asked for the impossible Forgiveness is no longer

Life has always been this way You cannot control the changing tide I can't have this I try to hate you Tried so very hard before I only have this single tear My proof of happiness once seen

Am I worth so little to you? To treat me so callously Was anything you said true? I never told a lie Never Not until the very end You asked if I was mad Mad at your treatment Your casual dismissal Your choice But it was your choice to make I can't even work up the energy To feel anything Beyond indifference and pain

You compare me to something I can never be Hold me up against the light Hold me up against the world Feel regret that I'm different I can never make you happy Make you proud There's always been something inside of me that you despise I cannot change I wouldn't for you I refuse Why would I want that If you couldn't love who I was I doubt you could love who I became Compare me to everyone else Because you think I'm less That I don't deserve more You make me tired You make me hate You couldn't have told me you hated me more in any other way.

There’s a creature inside of you that I’m not good enough to bring out, not strong enough to reach. I sometimes have the feeling you’ve been here a long time, more than one lifetime, and that you’ve dwelt in private places none of the rest of us has even dreamed about. You frighten me, even though you’re gentle with me. If I didn’t fight to control myself with you, I feel like I might lose my center and never get back.... (9) His eyes looked directly at her, and she felt something jump inside. The eyes, the voice, the face, the silver hair, the easy way he moved his body, old ways, disturbing ways, ways that draw you in. Ways that whisper to you in the final moment before sleep comes, when the barriers have fallen. Ways that rearrange the molecular space between male and female, regardless of species.... (33) The old dreams were good dreams, they didn’t work out, but I’m glad I had them.... (51) This is why I’m here on this planet, at this time, Francesca. Not to travel or make picture

deep inside in the part of me that's stupid and shallow I wonder if maybe you're embarrassed to be seen with me

Down on my knees Make me plead Beg me for more Touch That’s all I need from you Kiss me here Take me now Passion burns fierce Hot It will always be this way A fire in my eyes You see to my heart Do you think we’ll be discovered It’s hard to say Maybe tomorrow we’ll know Maybe tomorrow will be different We will be somewhere else Different and changing Two matched souls We will never be apart Passion in every touch Time is nothing Everything.

I can’t pretend that everything is alright It’s alright No matter what we do We can’t find happiness So why is it that the closest I’ve come is when I’m with you Compromise You tell me Not with words You didn’t know But it only works both ways

You set yourself up Make me believe Lies don’t exist here Not for us Not tonight Did they ever? The gentle warmth of your skin Breathe deeply Dream of a perfect blue Soft Sweet But violence in dreams Calm and passion A collision of truths Let me know which to believe Here I trust you

His face had moved so close to hers that all she could see were the deep hazel of his eyes. He moved and she could feel the warmth of his breath in her ear and down the length of her neck as he whispered to her. “There is only you. You’re my soul and without you I’d die. You’re my drug. I was hooked from the first moment I tasted you. Nothing else, no one else could ever compare to what you are to me.” Their kiss was everything they were: passion, hunger, danger, possession, tenderness, excitement, lust, love. The dim recollection that they were still in a public place prevented any further events, but the promise of later hung between them. “I’ve never doubted you.” extracted from 'The Bright End of Nowhere' (my own work. not posted on this site.)

It takes so much out of me To pretend I’m tired Not just my eyes are heavy anymore I hear you breathing Lying next to me Warm But not safe Sleep doesn’t come to me readily It’s not something I crave I made a mistake Things went too far It wasn’t supposed to be this way I was acting in the moment I leaned on you Strength and support You give these things without even knowing If you knew Would you still give them To me? So freely? And somehow that makes me happy Happy The word sounds strange to me It’s not often that I feel this way Happens even less now What if I never remember to be happy again? Can’t remember how to be Falling apart Try to hold it together My problem Is that you heal me And my broken soul Glue the pieces into one jumbled mess The pieces fit better When its you putting them together It took so long to realize we didn’t exist Not anymore Maybe never before I die a little more each day I can never have what I want What is desired And needed to survive Just this semblance

Two souls. Two hearts Parted Memory and thought Past and present I wait here for you Because without Life is alive only in macabre detail Flying high Close at heart Running far--constant Safe in your out stretched arms I am home My happiness My second soul Together we are whole Soul mates We are bound

So casual You guess my secret But what do you believe? Do you realize You speak the truth As hard as that might be to hear To listen Harder, still, to comprehend Let me tell you now It was truth May always be the truth My secret no more For that I could never let you go Courage is lacking In me Do you believe me? I don't know if I want you to Believe what you say Even if your mind won't register Hard reality Life's changing circumstances It's all there To see One quick peak One silly little conversation That's all it takes To destroy. To create I love you because you make me Happy

You make me happy Ecstasy More than any other I'm afraid You can hurt me More than any other Without even trying I don't want you to have this To have my heart My soul I wish you didn't make me happy So happy There are no words Alone and numb You can make me cry out Only tears in the end

Never need the things you want Not receiving the things you need You're all I wanted And everything I need My thoughts over take Drown in over dramatic sorrows Why can't I be What was needed What you needed I can't afford what you offer Maybe I never could It just wasn't enough Not for either of us And I don't want to understand I would understand Just talk to me You don't want to keep me here I can't force myself To stay

Fostering insecurities You, my macabre fantasy Reality I just can't be the one To let go I'm not that strong And I know you can't be The one to let go You feed off my anguish My love, for you You devour my will My strength Do you even know this? Can't you see it in my eyes? I forgot You don't look me in the face Anymore.

Why do you do this to me? Your complex male-driven ego Do you like to see me this way? A perverse pleasure And tears falling heavy I need to know

Alight Passion consumes Fingers tips and lips All I want is to taste you Feel you Bury myself under your skin Burrowing under sheets of white Content with you This is what happiness is Is this what it feels like? Forgive me for this I wanted more More than a moment More than time could give us Hold me close And time slips away The murmurs of your voice I need to hear it again Our all consuming passion Feel it burning Below the surface it waits It scorches To lie here forever Warm, sated Safe That is my fantasy

Finger tips and skin Naked before you Kisses flow continuous Everything All there is Is here with you Safe warmth Your arms hold me Strong Your lips touch everything, everywhere Trust No hesitation This is love I cry My tears fall silent Heavy drops I can’t hold back I know I can’t keep you These stolen moments

There are things I’ll never say You’ll never know Didn’t know All you needed to do Just ask I would’ve told you Given you my darkest secret Pieces of my hidden soul You didn’t take the step Bravery did not become you Let the silence hang Suffocating There is no courage between us Nothing to hide To reveal

Only time can tell And it's keeping your secret Safe I can't win

Do you believe me now? Never meant to be caged Free You couldn't keep me Even if you wanted to It was never about you What you wanted My control My choice I allowed you Loved you Now I pay the price When will you hurt me? Count the days Hours It will happen Inevitable It happened once before You can't deny the truth Of my words Of your thoughts Desires My naive hope My hopeful mistake How I loved it How I hate you now

To know all they see and want is a quick fuck and nothing more You must take care of yourself There is no one for you While you may be placed in charge of the care of others There is no one for you So cry, cry some more Perfect Cry away all the pain In drops of crystal stars And when there are no more tears To cry and no more pain for them to hold You will be free To know nothing has changed and will always be the same To be forever nothing and numb.

I see no beauty Staring back Only a darkness I can’t contend To drown my sorrows Such a thing impossible to me Burdened to forever see the truth as it may come No love to ever claim as my own I am the place men go when in between Waning years Between what is fake and what is truth Those pretty lies Oh, only one more night But I can’t claim that It is not for me Not my right Alone, always alone in this world I walk a darkening path The truth you could have told me Though it would have broken me These false truths break and destroy everything All that was left There is nothing No savior but myself I can’t save myself I am too far gone The tears I cry I always say will be my last Why is that never true? Don’t you hear me? Of course you don’t

Immortality Greater than it seems Life of adventure Life of knowledge But you can never be free to live That is reserved for the living And you, my friend, are in limbo At the end of the world You are the last at Death’s door This is the way it was written Death grips your hand Cold and boney Will he turn you out or take you in? Death could never turn you away You cheated him for so long Now is his time His dominance.

This is my present to you: Did you think you could break me? You’re not the first My advice to you is Try harder I’m not the china doll you think I am And I don’t break so easy Eat away at the cracks You may be surprised.

There was so much and nothing that brought this on I know I'm nothing Not to you or anyone else Even to myself Why do I hold my head so high You say I'm independent and mysterious Independent because I have no other choice I couldn't even stop if I wanted to Mysterious because I only answer to what you ask None of that. No offering up of bullshit or truth All I am is what I tell you Why do you think there's more When there couldn't be Impossible I cry out There's no one particular reason Maybe it's you You'd like that...if you cared to know But now my head feels tight These compresses are closing in There isn't much space left Not for me but maybe you.

You call me fake But don't you hear the things I tell you It's all there I can't change To be something I'm not Someone I'm not But someone you think I should be Maybe life would be easier then Maybe I wouldn't go through days alone My soul is heavy with loneliness I need to take life a day at a time My soul heavy These lines, the ones running through my body Marking me as different These invisible lines can attest to that I'm losing myself I can feel it Separation of mind and body Separation of who I am and who you want me to be Need me to be Who do I need to be? One day at a time It's all I can take and still exist

The water shakes me from my thoughts But it isn't raining At least not outside my window The weather inside my head has never cooperated I always knew there would be days like this I've lived enough of them by now Why did I wake up thinking any different Why did I wake up But even my dreams are against me Will I ever see the sunshine again Dancing in the rain just isn't the same without you *** For the beautiful memories you made with me. Treasured as they may be. It is time I made them anew with someone else. Never to be forgotten. Only enhanced. 12/03/06

It seems I can't remember how to be happy And you're not here Whether that's fact or fiction doesn't seem to matter Not much anyway But you're not here Tell me how to be happy again I can't remember Was I ever really happy? I can't remember the feeling It seems I can't remember how to be happy Oh well I can't be missing much Can I?

I couldn’t force the tears to fall after he left Breaking what couldn’t be fixed Taking what was never his So, why now Won’t these tears stop? I can’t force them away I can’t hide Since you told me you were leaving