Of Saints and Shadows

There is always one more chance. But always one more question inside my head asking if it’s deserved. There is always one more chance. To live, to love, to be hurt, to grow, to understand, to change. I ask myself, is this worth it? Will one more chance be all the opportunity you need to learn, to change. Will this one chance more be squandered like the rest. How many have come before. Does it all really matter. Later I will tell you that none of this ever mattered. Maybe you’ll tell me nothing ever did. But what will matter, what may be the only thing to have mattered will be all that there was, is, will always be--just one more chance. Like the universe they are infinite.

We leave everything important left unsaid Incomprehensible chatter fills our day, the night It fills the silence Just so we feel less alone In this way we will be connected But what is said Nothing of substance, nothing of context or consequence Everything important is left unsaid Not even at the tip of your tongue Lodged far down your throat, too far to escape When will we say what needs to be heard Speak words that need to be told Silence cultivates a danger you don’t know how to fight Your approach is all wrong But you won’t dare to speak of this

You didn’t think it would faze me Throw out your dollar bills Our arms are wide open Taking in your delicate love I forgot to ask how much this would cost us How much was I willing to pay You’re coming up short and it’s no surprise to me Your powder smears on my cheek The colors blossom out Beautiful evening blues and rich wine We’ve painted our stories Across There are no kisses to send you home with There are no kisses to send you off There is no kiss that hasn’t turned to ash I feel the bones of your hands Soft like powder between my fingers You didn’t think it would faze me Throw out your dollar bills Our arms are wide open Taking in your delicate love I forgot to ask how much this would cost us How much was I willing to pay You’re coming up short and it’s no surprise to me

I’m more than glad to sacrifice everything Laugh just a bit louder tomorrow There’s so much you never knew This is the last time A final chance in a string of endless opportunity Right now, I can’t wait to see that look You can’t imagine Can’t bring me down The anger was misplaced The tears unjustified The sweet sound of laughter was only confusing That night the stars smiled We were alive again

I wish it really was that simple Tomorrow I’ll drive away Tonight I’ll stand at the edge and fly I’ll be open and exposed Could you really believe everything I said? Maybe you heard the things I never did Everything is clearer in the morning Sun rising You stand at attention waiting for your executioner The truth is a hard mistress to bear Learn to fake what you can’t handle I am the best at cheating myself

I broke a promise today Not to you, to me I tried to love you, to move forward and live Two out of three isn’t bad Elusive, but more important than the rest I got lost in this game Maybe I did lose But I’ll keep taking these hits till morning comes Just so I can be here Right where I most want to be

I always knew life would turn out like this. Don’t ask me how I knew, I just knew. Last night as we sat together out on the porch in our white plastic chairs and surrounded by the drone of a million insects, hidden away from them by the enveloping darkness, I thought maybe he had known all along too. The silence between us has never been strained, never forced. It moved around us with a fluidity neither of us had known before, we were grateful for it. The pause between each sentence was a long, drawn out affair, but still, we always came back to the right place. Having talked with others who had watched us in these semi-private moments, I’ve been told we seem to intuitively know what the other continues to think long after they stop talking. I don’t think that’s true at all. I know for a fact that there are endless examples of when neither of us has even come close to understanding the other. But left on our own this is how we are, and how we’ve come to communicate with each other. In

I can do anything A force of nature Control is over-rated Power a drug It drives It pushes Hear it calling Just reach out and touch it Grab for life This will leave you the most vulnerable and fragile Come away with your head up What more can you really do?

Her eyes. That was his only immediate and overwhelming thought before he allowed himself the torture of blinking. A torture because he honestly believed that to be blind to those eyes, even for the second the action would require, would grant the necessary permission to see that focus disappear. Her eyes held the most profound intelligence, both cold and violent, he had ever witnessed in another human being. And though there had to be close to a hundred pulsing, heavy breathing bodies crammed into the medium sized room it was not hard to make out her form. Her movements neither lazy nor quick, he saw she still moved with a confidence that appeared calculated—purposeful in each bodily movement. Skillfully moving past the bodies and navigating the evenly dispersed stair rises, no movement was wasted. To him it was as if he were watching a rehearsed play. And still he thought, not a single movement was repeatable. As if she could hear these thoughts and was driven by his curiosity of her,

Questioning myself in the dark Here we learn Soft whisper and your harsh touch If only here we know the truth Do I see you as someone else? Wish you would be someone else? Can you be this for me? This stranger I hold close Fading faster because they’re not here And still You’re here with me Don’t forget To ask, stay with me Take me with you Where you might go Will you still be two people Can I be one Wishing you were another Even through happiness Abrasions upon our tender flesh Sadness runs like an undercurrent

There was something I wanted to show you today But you had turned me away You turned around Walked steadily faster When are you going to start running? It was bound to happen Like a cosmic clash Turning the corner We disappear into the night Moving forward and back Back and forth you crawl Can you hear me call out? My voice harsh with tears and violence Let me touch your soft skin Taste the sweet tang of sweat on flesh You run backwards Shouting out your beautiful poetry And still I hear you say I may still be the strongest one of all You are the strangest one I know

I need to ask The questions multiplying There are too many now Where do we start? Which pain will bleed the least Which nerve should we dig at, fill in Covered over with fresh, sweet smelling plaster Bring the pain And make it bleed like waters in spring Please, can we just talk So, I lied We lied To me, to each other, to you But I was willing to go on Put myself on the line Sold all I had, all that I was It had nothing to do with the logical

How can I still be here Waiting for you So many things have been said—done And what’s left is the space In between It’s larger than you think But how can you learn to let go Jump, jump The risk drives you Together we will go farther Beyond the lights and lines Everything set before us Our time is up You say, decide now—must I? Tell me Just one truth Even if the lie come easiest

It’s harder than you think to stay here Too comfortable Too semi-permanent Too predictable We wanted the risk To walk a thin white line Craved freedom Intensity Converging on separate paths When did the night fade to gray day? We know the time will never be right Pray harder, faster To a god you knew existed In your soul Faster than we think It’s catching

I know I will end up hurting more than just myself Is that really true Could I ever hurt you? Is this your nightmare? Am I really this selfish? Hold me Dreams aren’t safe for me anymore How about you? Keep your eyes open Why is this so hard? Only I could make this so complicated Ask yourself, what do you want And I will keep myself off of the ground

Everything was quiet in the large bedroom. Peacefully silent. And he was grateful for the small respite, since his life and his mind had been in a constant state of chaos and turmoil these last number of weeks. Where many would have found the silence heavy and oppressive, he found the silence enjoyable. It was calming to the point where he was allowed to slowly piece together the frayed edges of his life and mind. All in time for the next bout of chaos. "What are you thinking?" So absorbed in what he was feeling Whyte hadn't even noticed at what point Juli had awoken and rolled onto her side, studying his profile. In fact his mind hadn't even registered the words leaving her mouth, only that she had spoken and that those words had been directed at him. He made her repeat herself. "I said, what are you thinking? You just have this really far away look on your face." "I was...I was just thinking..." For a moment Whyte wasn't sure he could articul

My past itself is the invader I tell myself not to look back It's always in front of me The only thing is to keep busy

Happiness in its purest form True. Is a sweetness I can't say It flows from you Calms me down Makes me feel more alive As alive as I've ever felt Translucent approach

Little Lizzie I remember your dreams Those large aspirations of yours I kept them safe I made them mine Nothing I will show you what you have We used to be friends Only once Long ago When we didn't know any better Control I will own you Sitting still Under my thumb I will break you Or so you think

I hate the back of my mind Thoughts sit there Sick little voices Constantly whispering Constantly bitter They fight, compete to be on top with me I hate that they’re always right I must remind myself to breath

You ask, why am I the way am I? Why am I hard? Sarcastic? Sharp? …I’d rather cut you than me They made me… You make me the way I am Be happy with that knowledge You had an impact, no matter how small I refuse to open myself again I will not re-make the attempt to correct this decision You and everyone else will have to live with it I will not reveal my secrets I will not reveal my truths Not even the falsifications Please, go away You can’t make this better Your attempts are minimal And they cut just as bad in this open wound

Do you know I'm not like you Realize this truth Before it's too late I will leave you Don't try to hold me back Corner me I will fight No one realizes the precious comodity that is Freedom There are those of us Content to follow To be lead To do what is excepted Who decided what these things were? I must stand on my own I will not stay here I will not stay with you I only want him to come with me You can hold on or let go Only one will allow me to come back to you Before too late.

Me: "Do you think we could be forgiven for living a lie?" You: "I guess it depends on the lie you've been living." Me: "Maybe you're right." Pause You: "Do you need to be forgiven?" Me: "I think so." You: "But who's suppose to forgive you?" Me: "You. Maybe. Everyone. God?" You:"What am I suppose to forgive you for?" Me: "I can't tell you now. If you knew, that would be worse than being denied any forgiveness." You: "Oh."

Too aggressive, too strong-willed, too competitive, too independent, too slender, too much dark beauty, too girl next-door, too mysterious, too closed off, too sharp, too pained. Could you really be too much of anything? The simple answer here was ‘yes’. I know. Because I am all of these things. Some I hide well from prying eyes, some qualities people don’t want to see, some qualities I don’t care if people see. That nice, naïve, beautiful girl you’re looking for doesn’t exist here. Sometimes I have to wonder if she ever did, but then I find myself needing to ask someone who knew me all those years ago, 'did that person ever exist?' I immediately stop questioning it. They wouldn’t know. *** Sleep hadn’t come. I didn’t expect it to and if I’m honest I didn’t want it to. Instead I laid in the small bed, big enough to only fit one person comfortably but was instead holding two naked bodies. My eyes closed and my breathing slow, letting the few hours before sunrise melt into the ab

I look for you In every face In every word Did you know this to be true? Had you expected it? I don’t know how to stop Make me stop This yearning is killing me A slow death of sorts Because you’re not here It’s not you I find Faces of strangers In the arms of acquaintances Of lovers Lost to you

There's so much happening all around us. Good and bad. Some of us only notice the bad. Some of us recognize each for what it truly is. Everyone else is like a kind of free floater--they believe what they're told to believe. In any case, it's important that people know there is beauty in both pain and passion. The human soul--the fire in all mankind--can only exist as a fine balancing act between the two states. One simply can't exist without the other. Everything else is just the result of human action, or is that human error? This is exactly the way I described my life once. Beautifully painful and passionate. Here, life must be lived spontaneously on the edge if anyone is to survive. And that, in itself, is a beautiful and dangerous thing to witness. *** It was almost impossible for him to love her. Hell, it was difficult enough for him to even like her. And she knew all of this. Her secret was that she knew he also needed her. Needed her forgiveness for an act he had

I dreamt of you again Clear night air Swirling rapid Quiet breathing in the darkness Come clarity I dreamt you were here Enliven rapid patterns Manifested fears I'm feeding on time with a new purpose Standstill At the edge, hold me back I had a dream last night Shadow in form Gray starlight We fade out With your lips, on my name

Invade Crusade against absurdity Everything you cannot change Everything will change It is past, my past Watching over your shoulder It always follows in front Never led You vainly try Do not be surprised Do not look back Surrender found in release Hold the future close Dreams lie in the palm of your hand Scattered to the wind Give chase

Look towards the horizon Chase the secrets Beautifully held mysteries What lies beyond the skyline? Driven to know A satisfying thirst Always through desire Never look back Move fast How many have I left behind? Were you able to keep up? Moving. Running with strangled breath Just keep pace Do not slow Do not wait Curiosity overwhelming patience I will not wait Challenge time Our, the future Want to see what is just over the horizon?

Your tone is all wrong To believe the things I say Do you think I trust you? Hope so With all your heart You want to feel what could happen It does happen And we know it was never meant to Knowing this smile is fake Is anything real? Enough to touch You hold on tighter Hold me stronger Believe you saw the truth Believe I will be here When morning comes Maybe we will be OK Honestly It is OK.

We look without seeing Do not question Go easy on yourself Knowledge is unfaltering Infallible Do not take for granted Your mastery over competence Our lies We twist into truths Steadily they fall from conscious effort Your purity falters Ego is overrated And more easily sold than your soul At least It is preferable

My not so secret desire This yearning My need to wake up Tomorrow Lying next to you Warm rays at your back The protection of your arms around me You remind me to heal It stares out Naked from my eyes There is no need Unhurried and relaxed Still I'm not so sure Have you guessed my secret? You know my desires

Exhaustion over takes It is all that is left When sacrifice becomes your only hobby With nothing left to give Do I have the strength to take what I need? Do you think you could give freely? We both know this can only come from you I hope I wasn't asking too much of you

Mysterious, captivating A dark alluring creature You draw me in Steal my thoughts And consume my head Build up the expectations Can I really live up to them? Will you be disappointed when I don’t? The inside is never as beautiful as what’s been shown Innocent is a mask I have perfected How would you like the truth?

Do you see this? This beauty This dark rich world you brought to me The wait is so long So well worth it Don’t you think? Rescue me, give me life, your sanity

You never ask how I am anymore Does that make me selfish? To want just a little of your time, your attention I’m tired of sacrifice I don’t give a damn Why should I when you won’t? Take the steps to meet me half way Why do you back away? Why do you insist on making this harder?

We never know what we have until it’s gone But I know that I have never had that Why is it that the people we need to talk with most The shoulders we cry on Always run on schedules separate from our own I need to hear your words To know that this will come out right My dear old friend, where did your impeccable timing go?

It was like you saw through me Broke apart the layers With dark hazel eyes It should have been easier to breathe Things are always easier in theory I will stay a while longer But I will only say this once

Fog blankets the city Beautiful Silent and warm Your arms, my blanket My warmth Safety and peace The world so full of color Red is my favorite Reminds me of these quiet mornings Here we sleep With languid breathes Slow, deliberate movements We’ll go outside tomorrow

You tell me I don’t understand That I couldn’t I’ve heard this before Heard the arguments that follow this statement This truth Perhaps I don’t understand I have never had what you claim to So how should I know how much it hurts? But you forget You were never in my shoes You couldn’t understand everything because of what you have You can’t muster the empathy

You went away again today Goodbye Those words we spoke The familiar few I know them all now Play them in my thoughts Throughout the night like a dark opera When will you be back? I don’t know if I expect you to Should I await this fated return? Maybe despise it When will it be my turn to find what I lost?

I can only blame myself But that’s not right I should hurt you too Should I be able to blame you more? Sad eyes Bright smile Which is the truth? Choose the easier lie Reality is easier to swallow when coated with sugar Like the honey dipped words That flow past your lips in an amber haze

Pretty girl with the green eyes Why so sad, darling? Didn’t think I saw that tear? Got away from you did it? Your façade is wearing thin I see those cracks In your age old mask Let me in Let me hold you up Comfort you My shoulder is strong Let my warm arms protect Fight against those monsters under the bed Tell me your secrets Tell me your pain I won’t forget I won’t hurt I’m only here for you I want to see that smile My heart’s desire Those sparkling green eyes Won’t you be happy for me?

The decision taken from my hands Of course there was opportunity There were also limitations I didn't notice Behind the veil where fate conspires That it would all turn out like this It's all just such a disappointment I can only blame myself But there were two of us here Maybe I'll blame you a little Truely, I wanted this and more Don't deny those of us who must relearn to dream

I like how you pretend That the end will be the end If you could laugh I'd love you If I could smile at everything you said We could be laughing lovers